On My Way

I don't mean to brag, but I can probably beat any living person in a foot race. I am practically a world-class marathon runner. I pretty much invented running. Actually, I started my cardiac rehab this week and I am feeling great. In actuality I can jog about three blocks before I need a break, but I added a little more normal to my life again.

I had a checkup with my cardiologist last Friday and I got good news. She told me my incision is healing well, my heart sounded strong, my blood pressure was normal and I needed to eat more steak. It might have been the best checkup I've ever had. I need the steak because I'm a little bit anemic right now. I didn't get any blood transfusions during my surgery and I'm still a little low on red blood cells. A steak is apparently a good way to get over that. I have taken that recommendation to heart and had a delicious lunch today. How many people go to see a cardiologist and get told to eat steak. I'm just that good.

I was really looking forward to this checkup because I expected the doctor to write up a recommendation for cardiac rehab for me, but it didn't quite go as planned. I asked about the rehab, but she told me that since I had done it before and seemed to be in decent shape that I should do it myself.

I remember most of what I did in rehab last time and I have a heart-rate monitor so I think I should be able to keep myself alive. I won't push myself too hard or let my heart rate get too high and I'll increase the amount of work I do and my max heart rate by regular intervals. If all goes according to plan I'll be back in good enough shape to start climbing again by sometime in December.

So far I've worked out twice. Now, I know it might be premature to say everything is going to be perfect, but I have felt great through both of my workouts so far and I'm confident the positive results will continue. I started both days with a five minute warm up of brisk walking to get my heart rate up. I followed that with a slow jog for as long as I could without raising my heart rate above a certain level. Once it hit the maximum I decided on, I slow back down to a brisk walk. I do those two exercises for a combined ten minutes and then cool down for another 5 minutes with a slow walk.

I'll stick to a cardio-only workout for the first few weeks and then slowly start incorporating pushups, sit ups and other light strength exercises when they won't make my blood pressure go up too high. When three months of that routine is said and done I'm willing to wager that my body will pretty much look somewhere between Brad Pitt in Fight Club and Arnold Schwarzenegger when he won his first Mr. Universe Title. I don't mean to sound conceited, but I'm gonna look amazing. I'll post pictures later once I'm in perfect physical shape.

According to Plan

I have not had the best luck making plans in the past. I end up needing open-heart surgery half the time I try to come up with something to do with my life, but I'm really banking on that changing. I've been spending a good amount of my recovery time trying to make some new plans for myself since my latest surgery cancelled the last batch I was working on.

I'm gonna focus my energy on short term goals for the time being and expand to longer term ones later on. My current goal is to start cardiac rehab. I don't want to jinx anything, but I'm almost positive I'll be accomplishing this goal next week. For whatever reason the recovery gods have seen fit to bless me with a rapid and pretty painless recovery so far. I have sacrificed many virgins in their honor to say thank you and I think that has really helped apease them.

During my last recovery I didn't start cardiac rehab (a monitored exercise program conducted by trained nurses and physical therapists specifically for heart patients) until the 12th or 13th week of my recovery. This time around I'm looking to start it during my 6th week. I would say that's a pretty good improvement from the last time around. I'm telling you, it's absolutely because of the virgin sacrifices. I am totally convinced of the power of blood offerings now.

Cardiac rehab is important to me because it's how I learn what my new limits are and how I feel when I reach them. Every time I have open-heart surgery I feel like I have a new cardiovascular system. I need to relearn what being tired feels like, how long I can be tired and how hard I can push myself to get there. I don't want to take it easy on myself and I certainly don't want to push too hard. I am determined to get back into shape as quickly as possible and I need to learn how hard I can work to do that.

I don't want to plan too far ahead, but I'm convinced that if all goes well in rehab I'll be climbing again by December or January. I am more than a little excited by the thought of climbing again, but I've been trying to keep it in check to avoid driving myself crazy. I really don't want these plans to get a wrench thrown in them so I refuse to plan past rehab, but I'm hopeful that rock climbing is in my near(ish) future. I'll have to round up a few more virgins in the next couple of months to keep myself in the gods favor.

Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock

Click, click, click, click, click, click. I hear it in the morning when I wake up, when I'm laying in bed trying to fall asleep and one hundred different times throughout the day. The sound might drive some people crazy, but not me. I hear something different. It's the sound of life, it means everything is ok and it's what my heart does 24/7 now.

I knew I'd be able to hear my artificial valve opening and closing sometimes, but I had no idea it would be so often or so loudly. At first I could only pick it up when I was surrounded by silence and concentrating. Now, even the TV can't drown it out. It began as a novelty. I was excited the first time I heard a click and I immediately wanted to show my family and have them listen to the distinct clicking sound my valve makes, but it has morphed into so much more. It's a reassurance that everything is alright. I love the sound my heart makes now. It's a reminder that it's working and that I'm alive.

I wake up to the sound of a properly functioning heart. It reminds me throughout the day that it's still working and I fall asleep to the sound of it continuing to kick ass. It's hard to explain, but I find a lot of comfort in it.

For as long as I can remember I've been told that I need to be conscious of and on the look out for signs that something might be wrong with my heart. My aortic valve has been the trouble maker my entire life. First, it was too small and misshapen. Then, it couldn't close all the way and it leaked a lot. Next, it wasn't functioning properly anymore, it was leaking and it was enlarging my left ventricle. There were some good times in the middle. I had a 10 year stretch when it was functioning pretty normally, but problems kept popping up. Now, it just opens and closes all day long. It doesn't leak, it's not too small and it doesn't malfunction. Now, it clicks away all day long and causes me absolutely no problems.

Maybe it's a comfort because all of my problems have been impossible for me to detect in the past. I couldn't feel any of my problems, I couldn't see them and I certainly couldn't hear them. Now, there's no mystery about what my aortic valve is doing. It's opening and closing, opening and closing, opening and closing. And, I know it's doing that because I can hear it working. As long as my heart continues to click I can rest assured that the valve that has caused so much stress throughout my life is finally just doing its job.

Spontaneous actions and a little bit of mystery might be fun personality traits for friends or family members to have, but it's not what I'm looking for in a heart valve. I want reliable, I want predictable, I want boring and I've finally found that. I'm looking forward to the rest of my heart's unexciting life. Don't get me wrong I love adventure, but I'm ready for it to come from a different source.

I Think My Braincells are Dying

I believe I have discovered a brand new level of boredom. I'm beyond snacking because I can't find anything to do, I flew past watching TV shows that aren't very good and I even surpassed pacing. I'm so bored that I find myself wishing I had more laundry to do or dishes to wash so that I had anything to do. I'd even take a job I hate at this point. I need more things to do, or less time in each day to fill, or less restrictions, or a car, or unlimited amounts of money to spend. I would appreciate help with any of these things.

I've been watching movies, reading books, going for walks, helping keep the house clean, rehabbing my hand, taking the dog for walks, filling out applications, doing phone interviews and shopping for a new car online, but it's not enough. I could use twice as many activities.

I've been home for about three weeks now and my recovery has been going better than I could have imagined. I'm walking long distances, going up and down hills without any real problems and I haven't taken any painkillers in almost 10 days. I am thrilled with how smooth this recovery has been, but I am desperate to feel even better. With my current restrictions I'm allowed to walk. I can do stairs but not too many and I can do hills, but I need to be careful of getting my heart rate too high. I'm also still not allowed to lift more than 10 lbs. I can't even pick up my sister's tiny dog. He's tips the scales at almost 15 lbs and is beyond my limits.

Since I sold my car while I was still living in Korea I no longer have any means of transportation. My sister goes to class and then work until around 5 p.m. every day and my mom works full time as a first grade teacher. So, I can go anywhere I can walk to, but I can only bring along 10 lbs of stuff (or pick up 10 lbs of stuff from where ever I walk to). I need to buy a car and I'll do it eventually, but I need someone to take me on the weekend when they have time. Being dependent sucks.

I have some plans in the works for the near future, but they won't start until January at the earliest so I have a few more months to fill in the meantime. I should get a car in the next few weeks and I have a check-up coming soon that should lift some of my restrictions so I will hopefully have a few more freedoms soon. I'll be able to go hiking (at a reasonable pace) or for short car trips. I'm also planning on visiting my Grandma down in Florida soon. I want to start cardiac rehab as soon as I'm able as well so that I can start getting in shape again and open up a few more activity doors.

I have activities and opportunities coming, but in the meantime I spend too much time on the couch in front of the TV with an adorable little dog sleeping next to me (that's the setup as I write this actually). They say good things come to those who wait and I'm waiting. I don't even care if good things come my way, I just want things to come my way. Anything. Please.

Anything I Can Do, You Can Do Better

I am getting better every day, but there are a plethora of activities and actions that make me feel like an invalid on a regular basis. They are things that most people take for granted or would never think could be hard to do. Things like:

Standing up straight is practically impossible for me right now. All of the muscles in my chest and core area feel so tight that it's a stretch even trying to straighten my spine right now. The worst part of this problem is that my neck is constantly exhausted from holding up my gigantic head. My options are basically, let my chin rest on my chest and look at my feet all day or try to hold up my oversized melon and exhaust my neck muscles. So far I've been giving my neck the workout of its life, but staring at my feet is quickly becoming a more attractive option.

Raising my hands above my head is a downright painful endeavor once my hands get higher than my shoulders. The muscle tightness that keeps me from standing up straight also stops my arms from enjoying a full range of motion. The moral of this story is, if you want to hide something from me just put it on the top shelf. It's hard for me to look up there and it's impossible for me to grab anything that high.

Looking behind me is an entire body adventure. Because my neck is so sore and stiff it can only turn my head so far. I probably look like someone who should be in a neck brace any time I try to look around, especially since I have to turn my entire body around to see anything that isn't directly in front of me. So, if you put something behind me on a top shelf it has pretty much vanished from existence as far as I'm concerned.

Opening jars may be my biggest nemesis right now. My left hand is getting better, but it's still not as strong as it used to be and holding onto a jar is sometimes tough if it is big and full. If you add in my right hand trying to twist the top off it becomes so comical that even I laugh at myself. Not to mention the muscles involved in that twisting motion are still getting over the fact that they were cut apart about three weeks ago. So, if you really need to keep something from me put it in a jar on the top shelf behind me. I wouldn't even try. Putting a man on the moon was probably a less difficult task than getting that jar down and opening it would be for me.

Laughing, coughing and sneezing aren't technically difficult for me to do. I probably did all three yesterday, but they all make me feel like I'm exploding from the inside. If I have the time to find and hug a pillow to my chest they don't hurt at all, but I just don't carry one of those around with me 24 hours a day. I should probably just strap one to my chest so I'm always prepared. Or hire an assistant to follow me around with one.

Don't get me wrong I'm not saying I wish I hadn't had surgery so I wouldn't have to deal with any of these things. I meant this simply as an observation about everyday activities that are currently more difficult for me than the rest of you. I'd much rather deal with these inconveniences right now than be dead. I knew these were coming and I've handled them before. It was part of the deal when I signed up for surgery. I'm still going to whine about them though. I'm recovering from surgery and I'm allowed to whine a little bit, or a lot sometimes. The inconveniences do help keep me in line though. I can't push myself too hard or set my recovery back while these things are hard to do. I probably owe them a thanks for helping me maintain a slow and steady approach to healing. I mean, I'm not going to say thanks because the inconveniences suck, but I could if I were a bigger person.

My Hand Works (Better)!

A neurologist guessed that my almost useless left hand would be back to normal three weeks from the day she saw me. I thought she was full of sh!*. At the time I could open and close my hand and touch my thumb to my fingers and not a whole lot else. I had seen some improvement, but it wasn't happening quickly.

I've been out of the hospital now for about 12 days and with nine more to go before the doctor's three week estimate is up I think she may be on to something. I can actually use my left hand to do things now. I no longer begrudgingly make it do jobs for me in the hopes of getting it better, I can actually rely on it for real purposes. It's freaking amazing.

I no longer look at lefty and wish it was something useful like a hook or some sort of pinching tool. I'm happy I have two hands again. I'm even able to type with both hands now, although there is a lot more visual supervision and erasing than there used to be. Things definitely aren't perfect, but they're getting a whole lot better.

I can open ziplock bags now, close ziplock bags, type, hold a cup, open my toothpaste, open my chapstick and even carry things that weigh more than 1 pound (none of which I could do while I was in the hospital)
. I still can't tie a pair of shoes, but I don't think that's a long way off. Maybe in a few more days I'll be able to trade in my sandals for a pair of loafers. Then I'll be a big boy again. It's weird asking your mom and dad to tie your shoes when you're 26.

There are still some problems, my range of motion isn't completely back with all the fingers and the strength isn't the same but I've got exercises from my therapist for that. Lefty isn't quite as coordinated anymore and it moves a little bit slower too, but I've got more exercises for that. Also, I still can't feel very much with the tips of a couple of my fingers, but the numb areas are getting smaller all the time. Pretty soon I may even be able top pick my nose properly again. It's uncomfortable digging in the left nostril with my right hand. It's just not the way God intended a man to pick his boogers.

Kicking The Habit

For the last two and a half weeks I have been on a very steady diet of narcotics to keep my pain levels tolerable and to let me try to live like a semi-normal person. Painkillers don't make the ouch go away they simply make it tolerable. The pain was always there, but I could live with it.

Even when I was on the strongest of my painkillers, morphine, I still knew I was in pain, but I didn't really care. I could move around and do people things as long as I was careful not to do anything too quickly or too far. By that I mean, I had to tone down all of my actions. I couldn't reach my arms up or out as far, I couldn't turn my head as much and I couldn't lay down flat. I could do all of those things, but I had to be careful about how I did them.

Painkillers are a powerful thing and I owe them a huge debt of gratitude for helping me after my surgery, but I will be so happy when they're no longer a part of my daily routine. Actually, I may have taken my last one this weekend. My pain has gradually been fading since the moment I woke up and it's been changing as well. What was originally an excrutiating pain in my chest that hurt every time I moved has faded into a lot of muscle aches, stiffness and an occasional reminder from deep inside that I'm still healing.

Since I stopped taking painkillers the muscle aches have increased a little bit and I'm definitely more stiff, but the bright, sparkling pain in my chest in gone. I definitely feel like I have taken a step or two backwards; I'm moving a little bit slower again and I'm more thoughtful about how I position my body; but I think I'll be back to where I was in a couple of days. I just need to get used to the new feelings.

After my last surgery I tried to stop taking painkillers unsuccessfully on two differnt occassions. It was awful. The pain didn't flood back and I wasn't paralyzed with it. The pain crept back slowly, but once it was back it never left. It was impossible to find comfort anywhere or anytime. It made having a body almost unbearable. Thankfully, that didn't happen this time. This time I'm just a bit more in touch with all the parts of my body, there's no more dullness. It's a little more uncomfortable, but I prefer not living my life dependent on pills to make it tollerable.

It's Time For A Nap

I'm not sure what the cause is, but it has suddenly become impossible for me to stay awake all day. I don't have a naptime or a schedule I keep, I just sleep whenever the mood strikes me and it strikes me a lot.

Since my surgery I have had one nap-free day. Maybe I get so sleepy in the afternoons because I get up twice a night to take pain killers and I never sleep for more than 4 consecutive hours as a result. Maybe it's the painkillers themselves that make me so sleepy. Narcotics do funny things to people. Or, maybe I'm simply turning into a 70 year old man. I'm not really sure I care to discover the cause though because I'm not really sure I care to stop napping.

I feel great after a nap. I wake up refreshed, in a good mood and ready to be productive (well, as productive as I can be right now). I may try to incorporate this into my everyday routine permanently. Eventually I'm going to have a schedule again, either from work or school, and I won't be able to nap whenever I feel like, but I think I coule handle scheduled naps as well.

The fun part about my inability to stay awake all day is the fact that I never know when my body is going to demand a nap. Sometimes it's in the morning when I'm done with breakfast, other times it's while I'm reading, yesterday it happened in the car during a two-hour trip. I've learned not to fight the feeling either, it's pointless to try. The nap always wins and so do I when I take the nap.

I know I'm not alone in this idea either, old people nap all the time and so do babies. That's a lot of people there. They can't all be sharing the same bad idea. Hell, there are even entire countries that practice "siestas" every afternoon. I think the moral of this story is, go take a nap. Do yourself a favor and stop trying to stay awake all day.