It's been over a week since I got the bad news about my aortic valve and I'm still not sure how I feel about everything. I don't know if I've come to grips with all the different aspects of what just happened. It all feels a little bit fuzzy in a general kind of way. I know exactly how I feel about some of the specifics, but when I try to think about the situation as a whole everything seems muddy. Let me try to elaborate.
For example, on the subject of not seeing my students again I am sad. I wish I could go back to Korea and teach them for the next seven months like I'm supposed to, but I can't. Knowing that they are in good hands makes me feel better, but I'm still sad. At the very least I would like to go back and say a proper goodbye to them all. I don't think that's asking too much. I'm not confused at all about my students.
As far as my upcoming surgery is concerned I am determined to get through it quickly so that I can get back to fun things. I feel ready and a bit nervous, but unafraid. I know the risks and I know the benefits and the good that it will do outweighs the bad by an infinite amount. There's no disputing the fact that surgery is a good thing and I'm ready to get better. There's no confusion here, I want to have this operation.
Separately I have no doubts about my feelings, but when I think about these two subjects together things get messy. I want to have this valve replacement and I want to have it now, but at the same time I want dearly to go back to Korea and see my students again. I can't have both and I've made my decision, but I'm not thrilled about it. So, maybe I do know how I feel about everything, but I'm not entirely happy about how it's all working out. I've made my decision but I don't want it to be a grey-area decision. I wish it could be a clear-cut, black and white decision, but it can't. Being an adult and making mature decisions sucks. I'd rather roll around on the floor kicking and screaming for a bit until I feel better. Maybe I'll try that next time I'm faced with a difficult decision that kind of sucks even when I make a good choice.
1 comment:
I'm so bummed to see your email blog. You've been on my mind, and this is quite shocking. Cowboys ride roads less traveled....I hope your road is smooth. I hope to hear more about your return to Korea in the near future. Know that You've been my inspiration through my journey, and it's an honor to know you , Marc. Know that your old penpal is here!
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